Well, I know I have a big butt. I try to just keep it all behind me. And make sure that any photographs of me are frontal. I also tend to avoid those mirrors they have in dressing rooms that show one from all angles. I don't want to see myself from all angles! Let's face it--only some of them look good. I once worked out with a personal trainer for 3 months. We took measurements periodically to track my progress. It took a full 3 months of exercise to lose ONE INCH off my ass.
I recently learned I'm pregnant, so I'm blaming my expectant state for what happened yesterday on Easter. Even in my first trimester I've gained some weight. It's bloat--not baby. At least that's what the charming book WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING tells me. (They're also kind enough to point out that during the first trimester you''ll pass more gas than a frat boy.) Apparently my ass has expanded along with my midsection. I was playing with my 5yo niece Annika. We were putting a whoopie cushion on the chair then sitting on it and laughing. First it was Annika's turn. Then I sat on the whoopie cushion hard, because the first time I did it the cushion just gave up and hissed out the air in sad defeat. There was a noise like a car backfiring and I exploded the whoopie cushion. I picked it up and there was a jagged hole in it. It will never fart again. My ass is a lethal weapon. So you better be nice to me! Or I'll sit on you!
